Lies

I am posting a letter to myself that I composed a little over a year ago.

Why do i Lie?

I have learned as I have grown, that everything and I MEAN everything ALWAYS starts from the heart. I sit and watch the news or talk about the news with a friend of mine after the shooting at Virginia Tech, that all things like the VT shootings all starts with the heart?

Lies are the same. I have realized that I just do not love or like myself, especially in a way that the Lord wants me too. I like everyone around me - I have never met a stranger, everyone is a friend that I have just not met yet. Yet, I don’t look at myself like that. As I sit back and type this, I don’t think I can ever really recall loving myself. At least not in the Christian way.

So why would I lie? Well the obvious is to protect myself (or fear) first and foremost. Some one might not like what I said or did when they weren't around, and I would go into protection mode when confronted and of course, I would have to lie more to cover the original lie, and so on and so on. It’s a lot of work now that I think of it.

Then there is the lie to gain some ones pity or praise. Generally this was broken down to two very specific groups. I would go to family for Pity because I wanted it. So I would lie about - oh I don’t know, an argument with my wife. I wanted mom to side with me and I know that they won’t talk to corroborate the information. I literally pitted them against each other and mom would give me what I wanted, even though I was really at fault for what I really did

I would then stretch some truths or completely fabricate events in my life to gain praise from my family, friends and yes, my wife. This is ALWAYS done to make myself seem more than I am. To make myself feel good for just a moment and to get a quick fix of happiness.

I would lie because the truth was just at times - too boring. I would fabricate a tale so that I would not seem so boring to the audience that was listening, and that would happen equally to all that ran into me.

Then there is manipulation. This is what lying is. There is the flaggerant lie so that you can get control over some thing, and then there is the manipulation lie. How’s about this for a scenario.

I learned at a very early age, that if I got caught in a lie, the absolutely BEST way to get out of it, was to ACT like I was really sorry and immediately fess up to the crime and plead for forgiveness. IT ALWAYS worked for 30+ years until I met my wife. It even sort of worked on her for about 4 years, until now. I knew that once I was forgiven for my lie, I was free to lie again (in my mind). Now I will fess up. The majority (not all) were always over something completely silly, and non-sensical and that there were many times I did not realize I had done lied, till immediately after the lie had been committed, and instead of fessing right there, I would just....go with the lie.

A few years ago I started having a bigger problem, the lies were now blurring in with the truth. I could no longer tell you honestly what really happened in most instances. This would then cause me to start doubting my own memory and cause me to feel worse about myself. I began to believe that I was stupid and inferior, when in reality - I had - manipulated myself from all the constant lies.

The worst of this was when I began to think the people around me who loved me the most, where lying to me just as much as I was to them. Talk about manipulation of self! What spawned from this was a marriage in constant distress and turmoil because I no longer trusted my wife, because I convinced myself that she was able to lie just as easily as I could. Finally, my marriage has been torn asunder. Now I am not going to say that she is a complete angel, but if you feed some one small portions of poison each day, it makes them very very sick and can eventually kill them.

I have poisoned my wife with small portions of white lies, and hearty portions of whoppers for years and she is now sick of me and the marriage is on life support and the plug may be pulled soon. I can’t blame her; because I have never shown any signs of coming out of my darkness before, why would I now?

I am not about to say that because I acknowledge my lies and why I do them (Control and Manipulation). That I am now cured forever, I am at that point where I, as in the past, can choose to stop or wait a while and begin this whole process over again. That would require me to take action and ownership for my thoughts and words. Two things that I am not very good at.

I have never been a person of action, more of a person of deception. I can only say that I am hurting because what I have done to every one around me, especially my wife and the subsequent damage to my kids’ because of a broken home. Typing this does not mean that I have it under control, all it means is that I am admitting to what I am –a HABITUAL LIAR - I am being completely honest with myself for once.

The person I am lying to the most is me. The person I am hurting the most is me. Please pray for me, as this is the third day that I have gone, too my knowledge, I have not lied. It is such a battle to just speak the truth for some one that has a problem with telling it.