Well I have let this start up blog just go... OK, three plus years of no posts is outright neglect. But alas, I start again..
This blog will definitely let you into the mind of some one whose mind races at a one hundred miles an hour with no definitive course.. Its just me and what is going on here.
So one day you will read about my latest political thoughts, stories about my kids and my stories on dating after 40. Some of it will be serious and some of it will be... well just plain goofy.
If you go back and read a couple of my older posts like Rampage, you will get a real insight into where my heart and head is at and I hop you enjoy...
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Rampage
- Rampage
-
I woke up this morning to the sound of alarms, to the sound of people screaming in agony, to people crying from hurt. I look behind me at the path I have just walked and I see destruction all around me. The smoke, the smoke is so thick that I am choking on it. I can not breathe. I can not see through it. Where is everyone? I reach, I flail my arms in horror, with hopes of touching something, but no one is there
The heat, rising from the burning embers around me, begins to boil my flesh. How did this all happen? The smell, oh how it makes me wretch. How did I not see this happening all around me? Why did I not do anything to stop it? WHERE WAS I?
I look beside me too check on family, but my wife and kids are no longer there. They are being rushed away, the medics tell me they have been severely burned and they may not make it.
Oh LORD, what has happened here? How could this disaster happen and I not even know?
I stumble through the darkness and find my way home. I can not think! I can not remember anything! Everything is so vague. With each step I take, ashes fall from my clothes. My eyes are burning, my throat is sore. My chest gasps for air, but there is none to take in.
The house is so empty, everything is bare. I go looking for anything that may help me. There is nothing here. The walls, the walls are closing in on me. And I run, I run as fast as I can to get away but I am getting no where. I fall to my knees and I yell to the LORD! LORD, LORD Show ME LORD! WHAT has done this? What has caused this destruction? Who is it that did this? As I sit in silence and the darkness envelopes me.
I hear a noise above me. I look up to see, that I am in the bathroom. I gather myself up, and look towards the mirror. NO!! NO!! NO!! IT CAN NOT BE!!! I fall to floor, flat on my back, it can not be true. I REFUSE TO SEE, but, the person that did this……….. IT WAS ME!
The mirror fell to the ground and shattered at my feet. Amongst the shards was the shape of a broken heart. The shards reflect the past at me. I see me, gleefully, walking from friend to friend and handing them a treat, which was labeled “exaggerations and white lies”. It shows me handing out cards to my mother and siblings that read “Tales of Woe”. I can not look away! This can not be true! I do not want to look no more. Stop this, SOME ONE STOP THIS!!!!!!!!! This is insanity.
My eyes are drawn back to the shards of a broken heart at my feet. I see my wife, pleading with me. She’s warning me where this will lead …. OH GOD, MY GOD what did I do. I see the smirk on my face, what was wrong with me? For the gifts I handed her were distrust, despair and dishonesty.
I jumped to my feet and I ran down the stairs. I looked and I searched every where. There was nothing left. Not one stone unturned. For all was destroyed, in a Rampage of Lies.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Lies
I am posting a letter to myself that I composed a little over a year ago.
- Why do i Lie?
-
I have learned as I have grown, that everything and I MEAN everything ALWAYS starts from the heart. I sit and watch the news or talk about the news with a friend of mine after the shooting at Virginia Tech, that all things like the VT shootings all starts with the heart?
Lies are the same. I have realized that I just do not love or like myself, especially in a way that the Lord wants me too. I like everyone around me - I have never met a stranger, everyone is a friend that I have just not met yet. Yet, I don’t look at myself like that. As I sit back and type this, I don’t think I can ever really recall loving myself. At least not in the Christian way.
So why would I lie? Well the obvious is to protect myself (or fear) first and foremost. Some one might not like what I said or did when they weren't around, and I would go into protection mode when confronted and of course, I would have to lie more to cover the original lie, and so on and so on. It’s a lot of work now that I think of it.
Then there is the lie to gain some ones pity or praise. Generally this was broken down to two very specific groups. I would go to family for Pity because I wanted it. So I would lie about - oh I don’t know, an argument with my wife. I wanted mom to side with me and I know that they won’t talk to corroborate the information. I literally pitted them against each other and mom would give me what I wanted, even though I was really at fault for what I really did
I would then stretch some truths or completely fabricate events in my life to gain praise from my family, friends and yes, my wife. This is ALWAYS done to make myself seem more than I am. To make myself feel good for just a moment and to get a quick fix of happiness.
I would lie because the truth was just at times - too boring. I would fabricate a tale so that I would not seem so boring to the audience that was listening, and that would happen equally to all that ran into me.
Then there is manipulation. This is what lying is. There is the flaggerant lie so that you can get control over some thing, and then there is the manipulation lie. How’s about this for a scenario.
I learned at a very early age, that if I got caught in a lie, the absolutely BEST way to get out of it, was to ACT like I was really sorry and immediately fess up to the crime and plead for forgiveness. IT ALWAYS worked for 30+ years until I met my wife. It even sort of worked on her for about 4 years, until now. I knew that once I was forgiven for my lie, I was free to lie again (in my mind). Now I will fess up. The majority (not all) were always over something completely silly, and non-sensical and that there were many times I did not realize I had done lied, till immediately after the lie had been committed, and instead of fessing right there, I would just....go with the lie.
A few years ago I started having a bigger problem, the lies were now blurring in with the truth. I could no longer tell you honestly what really happened in most instances. This would then cause me to start doubting my own memory and cause me to feel worse about myself. I began to believe that I was stupid and inferior, when in reality - I had - manipulated myself from all the constant lies.
The worst of this was when I began to think the people around me who loved me the most, where lying to me just as much as I was to them. Talk about manipulation of self! What spawned from this was a marriage in constant distress and turmoil because I no longer trusted my wife, because I convinced myself that she was able to lie just as easily as I could. Finally, my marriage has been torn asunder. Now I am not going to say that she is a complete angel, but if you feed some one small portions of poison each day, it makes them very very sick and can eventually kill them.
I have poisoned my wife with small portions of white lies, and hearty portions of whoppers for years and she is now sick of me and the marriage is on life support and the plug may be pulled soon. I can’t blame her; because I have never shown any signs of coming out of my darkness before, why would I now?
I am not about to say that because I acknowledge my lies and why I do them (Control and Manipulation). That I am now cured forever, I am at that point where I, as in the past, can choose to stop or wait a while and begin this whole process over again. That would require me to take action and ownership for my thoughts and words. Two things that I am not very good at.
I have never been a person of action, more of a person of deception. I can only say that I am hurting because what I have done to every one around me, especially my wife and the subsequent damage to my kids’ because of a broken home. Typing this does not mean that I have it under control, all it means is that I am admitting to what I am –a HABITUAL LIAR - I am being completely honest with myself for once.
The person I am lying to the most is me. The person I am hurting the most is me. Please pray for me, as this is the third day that I have gone, too my knowledge, I have not lied. It is such a battle to just speak the truth for some one that has a problem with telling it.
Should men have a say on abortion? Part 1
Let me start this by going into my personal past. Background info is pretty important before I go into my thoughts on this matter.
Back in 1989, 1990 and 1991 I supported and paid for three abortions. At the time it seemed to be the right decision as the woman (all were with the same woman) I was seeing was very young (16 years old the first time) at the time and I was not in any financial position to help raise a family.
I felt that the only thing I could do at the time is be supportive of what ever decision she made and be a man about it and take care of her through this ordeal. Each time the abortion occurred I was with her at the clinic and we worked it out to be able to spend the night together so I could help her and keep an eye on her in case of any physical complications. We hid this from everybody in her family as it would be devastating for them to know that she was A) pregnant and B) had an abortion.
She and I broke up a few years later (1995) and went our separate ways. The abortions never really crossed my mind until after the break up happened. What started happening though is that if I was in a mall somewhere and saw a small child around I would start thinking about how old mine might have been and what they may have looked like by now. Would it have been a boy or girl? What color hair? What color eyes? what would their laugh had been like?
These thoughts happened more frequently as time went on and it began to effect everything in my life. I was becoming ridden with guilt, my self esteem was at an all time low. I would inexplicably cry at night when alone over this. That was until my oldest daughter was born in 2000.
See, I felt like I was not worthy to ever have children as I now felt like I had killed 3 and that God would punish me for the rest of my life. I need to note that in the late 90's and early 2000's I was NOT a Christian but I did believe that there was a God. I was an agnostic. I believed that there was a higher power that had control of everything, but I just did not know who he/she/it was at the time.
I now have two daughters of my own and I enjoy them every second I am with them. It was not until recently that I truly started taking steps to deal with the pain of the others as I know that this year I should be preparing for one to graduate and have two others in high school.
Now back to the question posed in the title.
Should a man or men have say about abortion?
I firmly believe that we should have a direct say on this. Oh, I can already hear the feminist crowd standing up and yelling about this, but this is my stance. Here are my reasons for this.
Objection 1: It's my body and therefore its MY choice to have this baby or not.
OK - it is your body that the baby resides in during development, this much is true. The simple fact is that this baby is only attached to your body, but it is already (at conception) it's own person. Here are some facts from secular medical books on the topic.
The Developing Human: Clinically Oriented Embryology, 6th ed.
Keith L. Moore, Ph.D. & T.V.N. Persaud, Md., (Philadelphia: W.B. Saunders Company, 1998), 2-18.
"[The Zygote] results from the union of an oocyte and a sperm. A zygote is the beginning of a new human being. Human development begins at fertilization, the process during which a male gamete or sperm ... unites with a female gamete or oocyte ... to form a single cell called a zygote. This highly specialized, totipotent cell marks the beginning of each of us as a unique individual."
Human Embryology, 3rd ed.
Bradley M. Patten, (New York: McGraw Hill, 1968), 43.
"It is the penetration of the ovum by a spermatozoan and resultant mingling of the nuclear material each brings to the union that constitues the culmination of the process of fertilization and marks the initiation of the life of a new individual."
I could post more but I want to move on. Click here if you care to read more.
Also, women and men who make the claim "that it is their body and its their choice" say this for one of two reasons.
1) They have never had an abortion
2) They have had an abortion and are taking this stance to justify the murder of that child. It is the only way they can actually deal with it on a day to day basis.
Did you know that the VERY SECOND that an egg is fertilized in the womb that the baby now has its own DNA separate of the mothers and separate of the fathers. Therefor, unlike a arm, or leg this is a new living organism separate of the mother completely.
Objection: It's still MY choice as a man does not have to carry the baby.
Well, women do have the carry the child to birth? this is true. This does not however negate the fact that the man who got you pregnant is not responsible for the decision making till it is out of the womb. See ladies, if the baby was conceived outside of marriage, then you deemed (made a conscience decision) this man was worthy to enter your body resulting in the pregnancy. How is it then, that once you become pregnant that he is NO LONGER worthy in the decision if that baby should live or die. That baby is just as much his (DNA) as it is yours. Or is it that you lacked good judgment when choosing some one to sleep with? Obviously, if he is not worthy of being a part of the decision on the baby he helped create in you, then maybe he should have not been inside of you in the first place. Even more so, maybe you should have just been celibate till you married the right man.
Objection: What about abortions for women who gt raped?
This is from abort73.com, this could not be answered any better.
You can't get very far in any discussion about abortion without considering the question of rape. Whereas the vast majority of pregnancies are the result of consensual sex, rape-based pregnancies present a unique dilemma. If a woman didn't choose to engage in sex in the first place, should she have to carry to term a child that was the result of her forced union? The question should become much clearer if we add in some hypothetical details. Let's say the woman does carry her child to term and decides to raise her daughter herself. After five years, however, she decides that the little girl's presence in her life is too much of a burden. Should that mother have the right to kill her five year-old daughter who was born to her as a result of sexual assault?
Obviously not. No matter what the circumstances are regarding the little girl's conception, she is a human being with a right to life that cannot be taken away from her. But what about before she is born, does this change anything? No, it doesn't. Abortion is an act of violence that kills a living human being. The circumstances surrounding the conception do not change this simple reality. Rape and abortion share this in common. They are both acts of violent assault against an innocent victim. Aborting a child conceived through rape simply extends this pattern of violence and victimhood. It does not "unrape" the woman, but it will almost certainly increase her regret and misery. Whereas rape is an act of violence for which she bears no responsibility, abortion is an act of violence for which she would be morally culpable. Consider the following email, received by Abort73 on January 19, 2007:
There is more to come
Back in 1989, 1990 and 1991 I supported and paid for three abortions. At the time it seemed to be the right decision as the woman (all were with the same woman) I was seeing was very young (16 years old the first time) at the time and I was not in any financial position to help raise a family.
I felt that the only thing I could do at the time is be supportive of what ever decision she made and be a man about it and take care of her through this ordeal. Each time the abortion occurred I was with her at the clinic and we worked it out to be able to spend the night together so I could help her and keep an eye on her in case of any physical complications. We hid this from everybody in her family as it would be devastating for them to know that she was A) pregnant and B) had an abortion.
She and I broke up a few years later (1995) and went our separate ways. The abortions never really crossed my mind until after the break up happened. What started happening though is that if I was in a mall somewhere and saw a small child around I would start thinking about how old mine might have been and what they may have looked like by now. Would it have been a boy or girl? What color hair? What color eyes? what would their laugh had been like?
These thoughts happened more frequently as time went on and it began to effect everything in my life. I was becoming ridden with guilt, my self esteem was at an all time low. I would inexplicably cry at night when alone over this. That was until my oldest daughter was born in 2000.
See, I felt like I was not worthy to ever have children as I now felt like I had killed 3 and that God would punish me for the rest of my life. I need to note that in the late 90's and early 2000's I was NOT a Christian but I did believe that there was a God. I was an agnostic. I believed that there was a higher power that had control of everything, but I just did not know who he/she/it was at the time.
I now have two daughters of my own and I enjoy them every second I am with them. It was not until recently that I truly started taking steps to deal with the pain of the others as I know that this year I should be preparing for one to graduate and have two others in high school.
Now back to the question posed in the title.
Should a man or men have say about abortion?
I firmly believe that we should have a direct say on this. Oh, I can already hear the feminist crowd standing up and yelling about this, but this is my stance. Here are my reasons for this.
Objection 1: It's my body and therefore its MY choice to have this baby or not.
OK - it is your body that the baby resides in during development, this much is true. The simple fact is that this baby is only attached to your body, but it is already (at conception) it's own person. Here are some facts from secular medical books on the topic.
The Developing Human: Clinically Oriented Embryology, 6th ed.
Keith L. Moore, Ph.D. & T.V.N. Persaud, Md., (Philadelphia: W.B. Saunders Company, 1998), 2-18.
"[The Zygote] results from the union of an oocyte and a sperm. A zygote is the beginning of a new human being. Human development begins at fertilization, the process during which a male gamete or sperm ... unites with a female gamete or oocyte ... to form a single cell called a zygote. This highly specialized, totipotent cell marks the beginning of each of us as a unique individual."
Human Embryology, 3rd ed.
Bradley M. Patten, (New York: McGraw Hill, 1968), 43.
"It is the penetration of the ovum by a spermatozoan and resultant mingling of the nuclear material each brings to the union that constitues the culmination of the process of fertilization and marks the initiation of the life of a new individual."
I could post more but I want to move on. Click here if you care to read more.
Also, women and men who make the claim "that it is their body and its their choice" say this for one of two reasons.
1) They have never had an abortion
2) They have had an abortion and are taking this stance to justify the murder of that child. It is the only way they can actually deal with it on a day to day basis.
Did you know that the VERY SECOND that an egg is fertilized in the womb that the baby now has its own DNA separate of the mothers and separate of the fathers. Therefor, unlike a arm, or leg this is a new living organism separate of the mother completely.
Objection: It's still MY choice as a man does not have to carry the baby.
Well, women do have the carry the child to birth? this is true. This does not however negate the fact that the man who got you pregnant is not responsible for the decision making till it is out of the womb. See ladies, if the baby was conceived outside of marriage, then you deemed (made a conscience decision) this man was worthy to enter your body resulting in the pregnancy. How is it then, that once you become pregnant that he is NO LONGER worthy in the decision if that baby should live or die. That baby is just as much his (DNA) as it is yours. Or is it that you lacked good judgment when choosing some one to sleep with? Obviously, if he is not worthy of being a part of the decision on the baby he helped create in you, then maybe he should have not been inside of you in the first place. Even more so, maybe you should have just been celibate till you married the right man.
Objection: What about abortions for women who gt raped?
This is from abort73.com, this could not be answered any better.
You can't get very far in any discussion about abortion without considering the question of rape. Whereas the vast majority of pregnancies are the result of consensual sex, rape-based pregnancies present a unique dilemma. If a woman didn't choose to engage in sex in the first place, should she have to carry to term a child that was the result of her forced union? The question should become much clearer if we add in some hypothetical details. Let's say the woman does carry her child to term and decides to raise her daughter herself. After five years, however, she decides that the little girl's presence in her life is too much of a burden. Should that mother have the right to kill her five year-old daughter who was born to her as a result of sexual assault?
Obviously not. No matter what the circumstances are regarding the little girl's conception, she is a human being with a right to life that cannot be taken away from her. But what about before she is born, does this change anything? No, it doesn't. Abortion is an act of violence that kills a living human being. The circumstances surrounding the conception do not change this simple reality. Rape and abortion share this in common. They are both acts of violent assault against an innocent victim. Aborting a child conceived through rape simply extends this pattern of violence and victimhood. It does not "unrape" the woman, but it will almost certainly increase her regret and misery. Whereas rape is an act of violence for which she bears no responsibility, abortion is an act of violence for which she would be morally culpable. Consider the following email, received by Abort73 on January 19, 2007:
Whenever abortion advocates bring up this question of rape, they do so disingenuously. The fact is, they think mothers should have the right to kill their unborn children no matter what the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy might be. They only ask about the "12 year-old girl forced to carry her father's baby" because they know they can't win the abortion debate on the merits. They appeal to the emotion of these extremely hard and rare cases because it helps mask their true agenda, which is abortion on demand. If it is not legitimate to kill a person conceived in rape after they're born, then it is no more legitimate to kill that same person before they're born. The question is humanity, not rape.I just wanted to say that I am so pleased to read your stance on abortion in the case of rape. My mother was a 14-year-old girl who was raped, and she tried to have an abortion. The only reason I am alive today is because the doctor miscalculated her due date and thought she was too far in the pregnancy to have the abortion, when in reality he was a month off (this actually happened twice). It pains me every time I hear even die hard pro-lifers say "except in the case of rape". I know it is traumatizing for a girl or woman that is raped to have to carry a child, but it is no more traumatizing than someone who gets shot during a violent attack and has to deal with those wounds. Counseling and therapy can help heal the trauma, but the trauma will be there whether she has the abortion or not, and the abortion could even make it worse. It has caused me so much anxiety over the years to think that many pro-lifers would have approved of my mother's abortion. By the way, she gave me up for adoption, and my adoptive parents were never able to have children. Thank you so much for this wonderful view against abortion even in the case of rape.
There is more to come
What are we in control of?
While struggling with lies, as I used them to control peoples thoughts, feelings on how they looked at me, I realized that I needed to understand what I was truly in control of in my life and those around me. A wonderful friend put it very nicely and I have really dug into pretty deeply.
"I am only in control of what I say, do and think.... nothing else ".
There have been many times I have talked with some one that is struggling with relationships (friends, spouses, relatives, work) and I have brought this up to them and found out that it has helped them just as much as it has helped me. Here is an example of how it helped me personally.
Back in August of 2007 my wife filed for divorce. Was this a surprise to me? No it wasn't, as she and I have been separated since April of 2006 but I still held out hope for the marriage to be saved. I had prayed about it and I left it in Gods hands.
When I received the papers I was crushed emotionally and as I sat down prayed and then thought about it and I replayed that saying above. I asked myself the following questions?
Am I in control of her feelings towards me? nope
Can I control HOW she feels towards me? no
Can I control how she reacts towards me? no
Do I love her? Yes, can I make her love me? no
I just kept asking more questions to myself and the pain of the divorce suddenly got easier to deal with. My personal feelings still hurt, but I could tolerate them and because I knew that God was in control I needed to leave this in His hands.
I also came to the realization that God will not control my wifes thoughts. Does God HATE divorce? Yes He does! Will God forcibly move my wife back my side? No he wont, she needs to make that decision of her own free will. How could someone possibly love another if they are forced to go to them against their own will.
So I tried to love her and my daughters the best I could. I was not in control of how she felt towards me, but I did not have to stop how I felt towards her. When it came time to start talking about the divorce and child support and visitation, things actually went smoothly as when ever I read or heard something from her that was initially hurtful, I had to remind myself of what I could and could not control. This truly gave me peace (as much as could be expected) during these times and the fact that She and I were able to hammer it all out between us without a war developing was something that the Judge commended each of us for.
So when you get into a spot where division could arise, or trouble is rearing its ugly head, remind yourself of what it is that you are truly in control of and what your not. It will help greatly and also...Pray about the situation and leave it in His hands to take care of. You will save yourself alot of pain in the end.
"I am only in control of what I say, do and think.... nothing else ".
There have been many times I have talked with some one that is struggling with relationships (friends, spouses, relatives, work) and I have brought this up to them and found out that it has helped them just as much as it has helped me. Here is an example of how it helped me personally.
Back in August of 2007 my wife filed for divorce. Was this a surprise to me? No it wasn't, as she and I have been separated since April of 2006 but I still held out hope for the marriage to be saved. I had prayed about it and I left it in Gods hands.
When I received the papers I was crushed emotionally and as I sat down prayed and then thought about it and I replayed that saying above. I asked myself the following questions?
Am I in control of her feelings towards me? nope
Can I control HOW she feels towards me? no
Can I control how she reacts towards me? no
Do I love her? Yes, can I make her love me? no
I just kept asking more questions to myself and the pain of the divorce suddenly got easier to deal with. My personal feelings still hurt, but I could tolerate them and because I knew that God was in control I needed to leave this in His hands.
I also came to the realization that God will not control my wifes thoughts. Does God HATE divorce? Yes He does! Will God forcibly move my wife back my side? No he wont, she needs to make that decision of her own free will. How could someone possibly love another if they are forced to go to them against their own will.
So I tried to love her and my daughters the best I could. I was not in control of how she felt towards me, but I did not have to stop how I felt towards her. When it came time to start talking about the divorce and child support and visitation, things actually went smoothly as when ever I read or heard something from her that was initially hurtful, I had to remind myself of what I could and could not control. This truly gave me peace (as much as could be expected) during these times and the fact that She and I were able to hammer it all out between us without a war developing was something that the Judge commended each of us for.
So when you get into a spot where division could arise, or trouble is rearing its ugly head, remind yourself of what it is that you are truly in control of and what your not. It will help greatly and also...Pray about the situation and leave it in His hands to take care of. You will save yourself alot of pain in the end.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
First Blog attempt
Well, let me first explain who I am and why I choose the name of this blog.
My name is Jeffrey Betsch. I am 37 years old and I live in Winnsboro, SC. I will be posting my thoughts along with articles that I find fascinating and argumentative. The reason I choose the name Son of a Betsch for this is because...well... I am a Son of a Betsch. My mother being Carole Jean Betsch and my father Raymond "Pete" Betsch. Now you all can say that you have met a true son of a Betsch! haha
I am a Christian saved by the grace of G-d, who sent His Son to die on the cross for my sins. I believe that Christ rose again after 3 days defeating death. I believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of G-d and that there are None, Zero errors in the Bible.
God Bless - Jeff
My name is Jeffrey Betsch. I am 37 years old and I live in Winnsboro, SC. I will be posting my thoughts along with articles that I find fascinating and argumentative. The reason I choose the name Son of a Betsch for this is because...well... I am a Son of a Betsch. My mother being Carole Jean Betsch and my father Raymond "Pete" Betsch. Now you all can say that you have met a true son of a Betsch! haha
I am a Christian saved by the grace of G-d, who sent His Son to die on the cross for my sins. I believe that Christ rose again after 3 days defeating death. I believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of G-d and that there are None, Zero errors in the Bible.
God Bless - Jeff
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